I'm a lean, green demo queen

I have been necessarily absent for a while. Not necessarily out of choice, but certainly out of necessity. This is the time of year when things spin temporarily out of control with work. That doesn’t mean I get all whacked out and depressed. It means there is so much crammed into one small space that things get all knotted up if you buy physicists’ string theory.

Albert Einstein didn’t. And that’s OK, because people can respectfully disagree with each other.

But I digress. Today is Sunday, and I have two more feature stories to write and then…the next four or so weeks are going to seem like a vacation. The past two months have been a constant stringing of word attaching to another, forming coherent – perhaps sometimes incoherent – phrases, sentences, paragraphs (which journalists call “graphs”) and ultimately a thing resembling a story.

This time of year makes me recall my dad. He was a college professor, and once the academic year ended, there would be no manna falling from heaven until the new year picked up in the fall. Translation: you had to get from Point A to Point B virtually without a financial net. It was some juggling act my parents did. But, given my personal circumstances and the nature of the material I cover for my newspaper, I know where they were coming from.

So once I finish my two stories today, I am a free woman. That means I will have time for myself to do things like grocery shop, redeem a few gift certificates, and veg out if I so desire.

In anticipation of this hallowed time of year (no October pun intended, folks!), I decided to tackle a new project. The front deck of my house, which was built in 1979, is history as of yesterday afternoon. Periodically, I will boldly go where I have never gone in the home improvement universe, strap on my technology communicator, and see what makes something tick. The deck was in pretty sad shape, and for good reason. Our physical environment here in the Wilds is harsh in the winter, and anything constructed in a half-ass manner gives up its telltale signs without much of an argument. My deck…for instance.

The item of choice during that construction era was nails, and I do mean scads of nails. So amidst all the warping wood – and I do mean warped as in a 2x6x10 that looks like the prow of a ship – nails are starting to push up in toothpick fashion. Not the kind of place you want to place your tootsies if they are delicate! So I figured my fall project, and I use the word “fall” loosely here, is to get that deck torn down and replaced.

Not necessarily the smallest feat, but for reasons you wouldn’t suspect. It’s September, but we already have our first alert for possible snow and cold weather. Permafrost is about to set in here in the high country. One trades power tools for coffee cups and the crackle of a warm fire at that stage.

But I am undeterred. I have spent considerable time watching the DIY network and reading a book on deck construction, so I feel like an informed semi-pro. When I first started the project, my intent was simply to replace the decking boards and be done. Simple enough you say? Well, not necessarily so. With Box Terrier and hammer in hand, it takes me all afternoon to pull those dagome nails, each of which is a dandy 4 inches long, out to remove the boards. Screws make so much more sense in this climate. Like they say, estimate the time you think a project will take and then double it…

OK, the boards are removed, and now I am looking at the deck’s superstructure – and I am using the word “superstructure” loosely. Here’s what I discover upon closer inspection. Firstly, the deck isn’t square. The front is level, but the side isn’t. Now here’s a good one: rather than sinking actual pots into cement in the ground, the original constructors took tree stumps and shaved two sides straight and sunk the posts – and you guessed it, I use the word “posts” loosely – into the ground. If you know anything about chickens, they can scratch the ground deeper than those posts were sunk. In fact, I put my foot on one and gave it a slight tap, and it fell over in slo-mo.

Back in those days, we didn’t have much by way of construction codes. Electrical, yes; everything else, nada. So I am seeing how feebly constructed the frame is, and I know what needs to be done. The basis of a deck is what’s called a ledger board. And interestingly the one on the side of my house skirts a power conduit which services my entire house and garage. But I am resolved that, having gone this far, I will do my level best to get that board off the house without electrocuting myself or cutting through my phone line.

Keep in mind I have never demoed a deck before. But with time, patience, and the right tools (many thanks to my neighbor, Mike, who introduced me to the joys of the reciprocating saw), I am now ready to dig out the new holes for the posts and actually get underway.

Demo Queen is exhausted but has slept pretty well the past couple of nights. The rest of this project will be a piece of cake. I just hope I'm not using that phrase loosely...