Let me offer a musical interlude as we segue into this blog entry. Remember the rock group Blood, Sweat & Tears? They gave us some sage advice in the day: “What goes up must come down.” Hope you’re already humming along.
It isn’t often that I hear something that cracks me up, makes me want to wretch, and run for the remote all at the same time. A few weeks ago, the very thing happened, however.
I typically turn on the TV when I eat dinner, an act which some say doesn’t provide the best circumstances to consume and begin digesting a meal. On this particular occasion, I was putting the finishing touches on my evening repast and grabbing a tall, cool glass of OJ. I am watching the Science Channel, another great habit, and listening Brian Greene – who hardly seems old enough to be one of the world’s leading physicists, but for whom I have the greatest respect and admiration – talk about the wonders of the universe.
OK, “wonders” is the operative word because we are getting ready to break for commercial. Lots of these science shows like to break to commercials about elegant, slinky, sexy cars which have been engineered for excellence into the next millennium. I can dig it, even if I can’t afford it.
But noooooooooooooooo…….
We are breaking to commercial for Viagra.
This is about the dumbest and most inane commercial I’ve ever heard (remember, I am in the kitchen gathering sustenance for my evening meal). It’s a good thing I didn’t have a knife in my hand when I heard the opening line of the commercial. I might be moved to open a vein on the idiot who wrote the copy.
“You like who you are.” Duh, let’s just start this one off appealing to male vanity.
“This is the age of knowing what you’re made of.” Right! More appropriate wording: “This is the age of knowing that life really sucks because you can no longer perform.”
It just keeps getting better and better. Not only is this the age of knowing what you’re made of. “And knowing how to get things done.” Right! More appropriate wording: “And knowing that you can’t just whip it out and make an impression.”
I am crying at this point, and we are only five sex… I mean five secs… into the commercial.
“With every age comes responsibility.” Wow, is that a lesson daddy taught you? I guess in this day and age, the word “responsibility” is synonymous with “there’s a pill to kill what ails ya.”
I am so beside myself at this stage that I make mad dash for the remote of my DVR. I know there is no way I will remember all these pearls of male wisdom, so I hit the record button to capture the moment for posterity. I know I will revisit the commercial one time to write all this down since – as a journalist – I am prone to get quotes right.
Then I mosey back into the kitchen and go about my business so I can return to my science show and consume my evening repast.
But we aren’t done.
If you’re old as dirt, which I guess I am because my 61st birthday was yesterday, you remember the old saying, “Sex can cause blindness.” OK, that was a crackup 50 years ago, and some of us were smart enough to see through the irony. But it is prescient (look that one up in the dick… I mean dictionary) for the next available caveat in the commercial:
“Side effects include abnormal vision.” C’mon. Give me a break! I guess the message here is that the act of procreation comes at a cost. Perhaps it would be more appropriate for the pharmaceutical company to warn that Viagra affects your good judgment and capacity to hear things correctly.
OK, this next one is just a gem. “You didn’t get to this age by having things handed to you.” Paleez. I may be getting just a tad raunchy here, but I would venture to say beaucoup men actually did get to that age in just that manner.
A blitzing 60 sex… I mean secs later… we have consummated the deal and are getting ready to light up a smoke. “This is the age for taking action.” I am really thinking that this commercial is going to be followed, appropriately, by one for Depends. Much more, and I will have to make a mad dash to the facilities.
Keep in mind that I “listened” to this commercial, and didn’t actually watch it until today when I took my little scrap of paper into the living room to record these most profound of observations. I didn’t realize until I actually “saw” the commercial that the whole thing was done in puke green.
Yeah, now that’s a real turn-on.
